On Finding Myself Again

A couple of years ago my husband and I were in a tough spot, fighting and talking about divorce, wondering if we were better off apart even though we dearly loved each other. We were both stuck, really f’ing stuck, in old unhealthy patterns of being together. I was so damn stuck in victim mode, convinced he didn’t understand me - all while denying to myself my own part in us being stuck.

We tried all the traditional things - individual therapy, couples therapy (that was a disaster), trying to do more things together outside of the house to rekindle feelings of love. Deep down we knew we didn’t want to separate, yet we also knew that in order for us to have a chance of really being happy together, we needed to let it all go. 

So we chose to embrace the unknown - I let him go - literally, he moved several states away to start a new career and get into a different environment. I let go of my tight and controlled grip on the “shoulds” of our relationship. I let go of other people’s expectations of what my marriage was supposed to look like (yeah, it was hard for my family to understand why we were living apart and if we were still married). I let go of my guilt and forgave myself for not always getting things right - cause in reality sometimes I just down right f’ed it up. And that’s okay, because I love all of me. 

So, how’d I do all of that?

The key for me was I got so super clear on what I wanted in my life, for my life, what made me happy. I'd spent too long listening to other people's (including therapists) advice that he was the problem and he needed to change... And that got me nowhere but stuck in the same unhappy cycle. The fix wasn't external, it was internal.

I had to acknowledge that I was the problem. Tough, right?!

But I was the problem because I had no idea what made me happy, what I loved, what I wanted to be. And because I didn't know those things I subconsciously was expecting him (and even friends or situations) to fill those gaps. And they never could. And who’d seriously want to have to be on the hook to be everything for someone else at all times?

So to get clear on what I wanted outside of any relationship I started writing down qualities, behaviors, feelings I wanted in my life. Where I wanted to be someday physically and emotionally. And then figured out where in my life I wasn't aligned with that.

I let go of other people’s expectations of me, and focused in on what I really wanted in my life. I embraced the power of tiny rituals to bring more of what I wanted into my life - you gotta start small, yo! I’m now thriving, my relationship is thriving - all because I let go of the “shoulds” and started focusing on bringing more of my values into my life. Not someone else’s, just mine.

It was from this space that we came back together because we realized that we really did want the same things.

What made us come back together? We really f'ing love each other 😊

And being apart helped us to see ourselves, and also see what we really appreciated in each other. I left a 10 yr relationship and went straight into this one. I'd forgotten who I was and what it was alike to be alone with myself. I have many close friends who’ve consciously spent time apart and had it help their relationship be even stronger...and I'd wished we'd done it sooner.

I think we took each other for granted. And being apart, like multiple states apart, showed us that.

It was tough, not going to lie. And yet so worth it.

I strive to live in alignment with my core values every day - embracing spirit, my untamed nature, my inner creatrix, and sometimes just plain ol’ letting go of control. How do you embody your core values, and feel whole and happy?

If I can do this, you can too. I believe in you.

Wishing you love & magic.

~ Erica